-
Making History
"It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America."
—Barack Obama -
Straight Talking
"So you'll walk me down the aisle?"
—Ellen DeGeneres -
Trouble on the High Seas
"Think of us like a coast guard."
—Sugule Ali -
$-Ray Vision
"If I had perfect foresight, I would never have taken this job in the first place."
—Richard F. Syron -
Divine Dictator?
"Only God who appointed me will remove me."
—Robert Mugabe -
Hit Or Miss
"It's the longest Hail Mary pass in the history of either football or Marys."
—Barney Frank -
Tell Us What You Really Think
"So?" —Dick Cheney -
Party Like It's 1999
"I thought I'd host an end of the world party, but the media might take it seriously."
—Stephen Hawking -
Trail-Blazer
"The path will be a little easier next time."
—Hillary Clinton -
Waggin' the Dog
"They needed a small, victorious war."
—Vladimir Putin -
Obama's Grim Reapers?
"The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care."
— Sarah Palin -
The Silent Scream
"I was shouting, but no one could hear me."
— Rom Houben -
Schemer's Remorse?
"I wish they caught me six years ago, eight years ago."
— Bernie Madoff -
Holding Back
"He deserves my silence."
— George W. Bush -
No Retreads
"I'm happy to get good ideas from across the political spectrum, from Democrats and Republicans. What I won't do is return to the failed theories of the last eight years that got us into this fix in the first place, because those theories have been tested, and they have failed. And that's what part of the election in November was all about."
— President Obama -
Red Peril Redux
"I don't want this country turning into Russia, turning into a socialized country. My question for you is, What are you going to do to restore this country back to what our founders created according to the Constitution?"
— Katy Abram -
The King's Epitaph
" 'This Is It' really means this is it."
— Michael Jackson -
Let Them Eat Tiramisu
"They should see it like a weekend of camping."
— Silvio Berlusconi -
Billy Who?
"You want me to tell you what my husband thinks? My husband is not Secretary of State."
— Hillary Clinton -
Late Show Cnofessional
"The creepy stuff was that I have had sex with women who work for me on this show. My response to that is, yes, I have. Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Yes, it would, especially for the women."
— David Letterman -
McCain Makes a U-Turn
"I never considered myself a maverick."
—John McCain -
VP Says It Plain
"This is a big f___ing deal."
—Joe Biden -
Hayward "Apologizes"
"I'd like my life back." —Tony Hayward -
George Bush Really Cares About Kanye West
"It was one of the most disgusting moments in my presidency."
—George W. Bush -
A Papal Apology
"The greatest persecution of the church doesn't come from enemies on the outside but is born from the sin within the church."
—Pope Benedict XVI -
An Exasperated Obama
"I can't spend all my time with my birth certificate plastered on my forehead."
—Barack Obama -
Don't Put Your Hands on Me
"If you touch my junk, I'll have you arrested."
—John Tyner -
Hawking Shocks with Predictable Statement
"Spontaneous creation is the reason there is something rather than nothing, why the Universe exists, why we exist. It is not necessary to invoke God to ... set the Universe going."
—Stephen Hawking -
Make Up Your Mind Already!
"Play, don't play. Goddamn, people are getting sick of it. I'm getting sick of it!"
—Bus Cook -
Putin's Just Sayin'
"You will be beaten upside the head with a truncheon. And that's it."
—Vladimir Putin
