• Rise of the Kingdom of Sumer

    In 2900 BCE the kingdom of Sumer rose. You could probably get that from the title. What you couldn't get is the date because TimeToast is too dumb to handle BCE. But whatever. Sumer was located in an area known as Mesopotamia. It is in modern-day Iraq. Sumer was a monarchy and is probably best known for its invention of writing and language.
  • Epic of Gilgamesh

    The exact date of this writing is unknown. The best copies of this were found in a 7th century BCE royal library. The basic plot is this: Gilgamesh is a tyrannical king who wants nothing more than a friend. He gets one by the gods and they go on some wacky misadventures. They kill monsters and make fun of goddesses and more. Gilgamesh was a real king, but not as portrayed in the story.
  • Abraham

    No, not Lincoln. I mean the ancient biblical Abraham. In around 1900 BCE we first meet Abraham. He is a 75 year old incapable of having children and the first monotheist. He lives in Mesopotamia and God tells him to travel to Israel. He does. His wife Sarah offers him her handmaiden Hagar as a surrogate mother, and she gives birth to Ishmael. Sarah secretly hates Ishmael, like all stepmothers do in stories for some reason. But when Sarah is 100, she gives birth to a son. Isaac. She sends Ishmae
  • Abraham (Cont)

    Ishmael into the desert. When Isaac is about 14, God says to Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. As he is doing so, an angel stops him, and unintentionally creates the most awkward episode of Jerry Springer. Hopefully Abraham and Isaac bond again over a game of catch and an ice cream. The Bible doesn't say.
  • Hammurabi's Code

    The code of Hammurabi was the first code of written laws. Hammurabi was ruler of Babylon at the time. The laws he wrote were apparently given to him by the gods and he was the vessel. (If you ask me, I think the gods could have chosen someone who's not that much of a Dinkleberg) His laws are among the easiest things to translate because of the simple style. "If a man does ___ , then ____ happens."
  • Joseph Goes to Egypt and the Israelites follow

    Jacob is one of Abraham's sons. He has 12 sons of his own. His favorite is Joseph. Joseph's brothers become jealous and sell him into slavery, sort of like how you tried to mail your baby sister when you were younger. Don't look at me like that. I'm not the only one. Anyway, Joseph became known as such a great dream interpreter that Pharoah appoints him as prime minister. To put that in perspective, that's like Obama visiting some fortune teller and replacing Joe Biden with him. But back to the
  • Joseph goes to Egypt (continued)

    Some random fortune teller and replacing Joe Biden with him. But back to the story. Joseph's family moves to Egypt and life is good.
  • Moses (continued)

    Plagues, Pharoah still said no. The tenth plague killed the first born son of every Egyptian, including Pharoah's. At this point, Pharoah was sick of it. He had enough and kicked the Jews out of Egypt. They somehow got lost for 40 years in the desert. Moses led the Jews to the Sinai Peninsula where he climbed Mt. Sinai. That is where the 10 Commandments were written. The Ark of The Covenent are the 2 tablets on which they are written. They are supposedly in the Temple in Jerusalem.
  • Moses, the Commandments and Exodus

    The Jewish people were enslaved under a new Pharoah, Ramses the Great. Or not so great, am I right? No? Where are you guys going? Ramses the Great ordered that all male baby Jews were killed. Moses' mom put him in a basket and floated him down a river where he was found by Pharoah's daughter. Moses grew up and God told him to tell Pharoah to let his people go. Pharoah said, and I quote, "Yeah, right". After 9 plagues, Pharoah still didn't let the Jews go. The tenth plague killed the first born s
  • Time Before Kings/ Time Of Judges

    No, not Judge Judy or Judge Dredd. From the middle of the 13th century BCE to the middle of the 11th century BCE, the leaders were called Judges. One of these Judges was Deborah. She predicted that another judge's enemy would be slain by a woman in battle. That woman was Jaeve. Or Jeve. I can't remember. It was something with a j. The enemy of one of the Judges (we'll call him Larry) hid in a tent. Jaeve drove a spike through Larry's head, killing him.
  • The Reign Of David

    He ruled from about 1013-973 BCE. The current king was afraid of the army and their champion, a giant named Goliath. Each day Goliath would ask for any challengers, saying that the army would leave if he was deafeted. Like that was going to happen. But a shephard named David was visiting his brothers and he heard. He decided to do it. They laughed in face. But he did it with a slingshot. He became a celebrity. The king worried he become more popular than him. When the king died David became king
  • Elijah

    Elijah was a prophet in 875-853 BCE. He was an extremely relgious and faithful man, and frequently defended his god with the ridiculous name Yahweh against the equally ridiculously named Phoenecian god Baal. He challenged some Phoenecian preists to a compete in a contest to see which god was stronger. There were two bowls of wood and whoever could light one on fire with the help of their god won. The preists begged and pleaded and all that, but nothing happened. Elijah prays and both bowls of wo
  • Elijah (Cont)

    Happened. Elijah just prayed once and both bowls and the preists caught fire.The king still for some reason didn't think Yahweh was real, mainly because he was such a huge biscuit. Elijah and him would frequently argue about the subject.