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Death of Spooky
When I was a child, I traveled back and forth between Fort Dodge and Des Moines a lot, so I didn't have time to develop a lot of relationships. Even in the first few years of school, my best friend was my Grandmother's cat, Spooky. She was born around the same time as me, and we were as close as we could be. She had always been sweet, but she started to get violent before her death, which hit me hard. I'd had great grandparents die, but this was the first death that really mattered to me. -
Best Friend Moved Away
Even thought it seems silly now, when my best friend moved away at the end of 5th grade, it felt like the end of the world. She had lived close to me and she was one of the very few children I was allowed to spend time with outside of school, so I felt that I had lost the most important person in the world. I can no longer remember how it affect me going forward, but I did feel alone and it took me until the end of 7th grade to feel like I'd made another best friend. -
No Longer Allowed to Participate in Extra Curricular Activities
When I was in 4th grade, my mother, Renae, made me be in a local production of Annie, and I loved it. I took every opportunity to be in plays and musicals after that, and I especially loved them because they were the only school functions Renae showed up to after elementary school. In 8th grade, I got a part in the school musical and excitedly told her. She told me that I couldn't participate because she needed my help with her business, and I never got to be in one again. -
Loss of the Mother-Daughter Relationship
This event was a process that took many years. Due to working directly with Renae for hours on end, I started to notice a lot about her. How she would make fun of me and my siblings, yell at us at the drop of the hat, not properly feed or clothe us, and more. I started to notice that she would lie to us. It was actually a surprise to realize that parents could lie to their kids. I learned what abuse looked like, and that we were living it. At 14, I decided to leave as soon as I turned 18. -
Loss of Free Time
Renae took her small business and opened a storefront. More orders, more baking. She taught me how to do all the baking in that first year, and then she left me alone. Often spending 50 hours a week alone, trying not to get tears into the batter, I lost the time to do the things I wanted to. My hobbies became listening to YouTube and giving my all to school work because it's all I had time for. And even though, "School comes first," was said a lot, she never meant it. Oh, and no pay. -
Loss of Friends
This was caused by multiple things: The bakery, Renae's obsessive over-protectiveness, and my depression. I never had time to spend with friends outside of school, and when my hours at work blended together, I forgot to respond to messages. And even if I wanted to make plans and had a little time, Renae wouldn't let me spend time with people she hadn't thoroughly vetted. I temporarily lost my last friend because I decided that she hated spending time with and only spoke to me out of pity. -
Wolfen
I had an online friend: Wolfen. A severely depressed teen, he used me as emotional support. One week, I spent every night talking him out of killing himself. I was tired and irritated, so I was more blunt than usual. His boyfriend told me the next day that Wolfen had stopped responding because he drank bleach. I felt guilty as I sat watching the movie he'd wanted to go see. I later discovered it was all (identity too) a lie, but it took a long time to not feel like I had killed my friend. -
Tristan
I managed to fit into a new friend group for a short while. One of the members was Tristan, and he was a goof. I could tell that he was interested in me, but I really enjoyed having him as a friend. He did eventually tell me that he wanted to ask me out but that I always had a partner. When he killed himself, I felt a lot of guilt. I should have texted him more. Maybe if I'd dated him for a little while he wouldn't have killed himself. I know now those things aren't true, but it was what I felt. -
Leaving Choir
The first thing I did on my first day of 5th grade was join choir. I was in it every year, and it was my favorite thing in the world. I had a teacher in 7th grade who told me she wanted me to the be an opera singer. I participated in group competitions with my high school choir, and it acted as an outlet. Until 12th grade. Throughout 11th, I could tell I no longer enjoyed it, and I know now that it was depression. I quit choir even though it hurt because I was too sad to feel any joy from it. -
Loss of a Relationship with my Younger Siblings
On May 6, 2018, at 12:01 am, I left Renae's house to live with my boyfriend. I didn't say goodbye to my siblings because waking them might have meant a confrontation with Renae, who terrified me. They were hurt for a long time by that, and out of the 2 of them, I only have a relationship with 1 at the moment. My older 2 siblings have always been difficult, and I can only speak to my younger brother over the phone. It is strained, but it is the only real relationship I have left with any of them.
