On a cool, drizzly, Saturday afternoon, my High School sweetheart and I were married. Don't "aawwww" too loudly, it wasn't as easy as it sounds. She did everything she could to get away, including moving to Greenville and becoming a Pirate with a much better class of loser. In the end, however, my humble background, slothful habits, slovenly appearance, and scathing, sardonic, sarcastic wit proved too much for her to resist. Don't laugh, you know you're jealous.