The Life and Times of Jack Hanley

Timeline created by jackhanley
  • Post-Gestation

    Inglorious birth in rustic Pennsylvanian hamlet to little fanfare save 3 sojourning magi of dubious qualification.
  • Completed Deconstruction of Joyce's Ulysses *

    Completed Deconstruction of Joyce's Ulysses *
  • Hero with A Thousand Faces

    Hero with A Thousand Faces
    Footage of Mean Joe Green thowing young Jack his pants in exchange for a cold Tab not aired as promised.
  • Deluge

    Witnessed both the tragic drowning of ocean bather and the coinciding refusal to help by callous
    onlooker. Recounts story to babysitter Phillip Collins and promptly forgets all about it.
  • Puberty

    Singlehandedly accomplished by Phoebe Cates
  • 1st year of Academia *

    1st year of Academia *
  • Age of Discovery

    Age of Discovery
    1st recorded experimentation with auto-erotic manipulation to moderately successful results. *
  • Lamentation

    Unable to enjoy the "post-death of Goose portion" of Top Gun.
  • Summer of '86

    Summer of '86
    "Lost Summer" of intense Fall Guy scrutiny in order to see Heather Thomas in bikini.
  • Milestone of the New Decade

    Milestone of the New Decade
    In Commemoration of the new decade, Jack memorizes the complete lyrics to Digital Underground's "The Humpty Dance"
  • Time of Angst

    Time of Angst
    1st recorded heartbreak due to Diane Harding. Occurrence left author with a life-long contempt for older college men who date high school girls and Duran Duran
  • Renaissance

    Mastered artistic technique that would later lead to my inclusion into the Urban Dictionary.
  • Commencement

    Graduated from Private Academy with honors and holes in faded jeans. Also saved Latin.
  • Folk Years

    Folk Years
    Started post-modern folk-feminist quartet "the Intercontinental Frotteurism All-Stars"
  • Sans Regrets

    Sans Regrets
    Hollywood Road Trip Goes Poorly...
  • The Wasteland

    The Wasteland
    Caught up in UF English Dept. sex-scandal that resulted in a life-long aversion to Instructor's Lounges, the goddess Venus, and the overrated drivel of T.S. Elliot.
  • Life Lessons

    Life Lessons
    Life-altering decision to relieve bladder on opening night of "LA Confidential" during scene crucial to the narrative. Arrive back to seat in less distress, only to discover that Kevin Spacey is now dead- Anguished vow never to relieve oneself during a film again.*
    * Record still unbroken, despite close call in drunken screening of "There Will Be Blood"
  • Famous "Blue Period".

    Famous "Blue Period".
  • "Kaput"

    High score achieved in "Castle Wolfenstein". Nostalgia tempered by recent revelation of it's graphics referred to as "extraordinarily gay" by neighbor child.
  • Gentleman's Game

    Gentleman's Game
    Infamous infection due to drastic tongue-ring incident at Trader Jack's Gentleman's Club. Thanks, Harley.
  • Sojourn

    From the sea-coast of Ilium in the early days, arrived to Boulder by destiny to the Lavinian western shore.
  • Epiphany

    Midway through journey of life, has intense dream in which author descends to the levels of hell. Only regret is that, sans Virgil, he is guided by Corey Feldman- Clearly the better of the two Coreys.
  • Time of Regret

    Time of Regret
    Vomits on "Internet's Most Downloaded Woman" and CEO Danni Ashe at Conference of World Affairs after party. Drinking companion Roger Ebert offers no assistance.
  • Purgation

    Produced low-budget art-house picture "Saved by the Smell". Vows never to work with Dustin Diamond again.
  • Quandary

    Forlorn to discover that my Beatrice bears vodka, Marmite and Bellydancing. Long-term pining to ensue.
  • Catharsis

    Emerged refreshed from Lethe, leaving the folly of Pearl St. behind.
  • The Mountains Win Again

    The Mountains Win Again
    Blues Traveler, Burbon, TJ and a 2 Dollar Bill.
  • Denouement

    Creator of upcoming show Colorado X: Casefiles of the Paranormal. Likwise charged with "Bringing Sexy Back" to the CU English Dept