The Decline of Upper Midwestern Civilization: from Shutdown to Dissolution

  • Shutdown!

    State Shutdown begins.
  • Period: to

    Post-Shutdown Events

  • Demonstrations erupt, politely.

    Citizen activists on each side of the issue organize demonstration and pot-luck social at the state legislature. Demonstrations continue daily (except during the State Fair).
  • You Gotta Go? Go Somewhere Else.

    Statewide, highway Rest Area signs are replaced with ones that read "Keep Movin', Tourist."
  • Crazy Trains

    Angry state workers raid the yards of the Minnesota Transit light rail, overturning, burning, and eventually eating entire rail cars in a single night.
  • Un-Stable

    In an effort to keep the Card Club from closing permanently, Canterbury Park-branded-glue becomes available for purchase at all Menard's locations.
  • Carpetbagmann

    Internal memos are leaked which show Michelle Bachmann soliciting donations from battleground states to her campaign fund. The highest bidder would become Bachmann's new home state, with the expected result of giving Republican poll numbers in that state a shot in the arm.
  • Ad Versarial

    To generate quick revenue, the legislature sells the naming rights of the state. Henceforth, the state is known as "Netflix Presents the State of Minnesota, Brought to you by KFC."
  • Shushmore

    After months of increasing unrest start to ruin entire nights of sleep, citizens in South Dakota are finally informed of what's happened by Governor Dennis Daugaard.
  • Allouetcha, You Betcha

    After almost six months of daily demonstrations at the Legislature, the build-up of uncleaned crock pots and half-eaten goulash attracts thousands of scavengers. This in turn leads to an influx of French-Canadian fur trappers.
  • Ich Bin Ein Burnsviller!

    St. Paul and Minneapolis becomes the symbolic center of the debate, with conservatives relocating to the east side of the river, and progressives to the west. In an incredible display of volunteerism and community action, overnight sandbagging crews construct a symbolic wall along the banks of the Mississippi River, separating the cities permanently. Seven hours later, the crews take the sandbags down from river-spanning bridges so folks can get to and from work.
  • Rideshare

    Budget talks hit their largest impasse of the entire crisis when legislators cannot agree on whose car they will use to escape the marauding hordes of angry voters amassing at the gates.
  • The Grain Belt gets Surly

    The state enters a period of protracted disagreement. Families are divided along ideological lines. Coen brother fights Coen brother. Demonstrations are met by counter-demonstrations. The posterboard and megaphone industries boom.
  • Gaming the System

    At Grand Casino, and Mystic Lake, massive sit-ins are staged, as blackjack players and slot-jockeys demand to be allowed to defect to the Native American nations that own the casinos. Tribal communities across the state erupt into laughter.
  • Zoo, Logical

    The Minnesota Zoo rebrands itself as the Minnesota State First-Come-First-Served Buffet.
  • Athletic Supporter Not Provided

    The Minnesota Twins attempt to stem losses by releasing 80% of its roster, and instating the popular "Be Our Starting Left Fielder For Today's Game" promotion.
  • Day Trippers

    With border patrols totally defunded, hundreds of illegal aliens pour over the border from Canada into Minnesota. Most stay no longer than 20 minutes.
  • Go With the Flow

    Wisconsin purchases Highway 94, and turns it into a canal, allowing people to inner-tube from Fergus Falls straight into the Wisconsin Dells.
  • Better Learn the Language!

    North Dakota makes an offer to purchase all Minnesota land north of a line between Moorehead and Duluth. The area becomes dubbed "East Dakota." All remaining unclaimed land is taken over by the federal government.
  • Bye, Now

    Minnesota officially dissolves . Its memory lives on in the form of educational knickknacks for sale at "Olde Minnesotee," a kiosk on the south side of the Smithsonian Mall of the United States of America.