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Inglorious birth in rustic Pennsylvanian hamlet to little fanfare save 3 sojourning magi of dubious qualification.
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- By "deconstruct" we mean "to destroy text in attempt to fashion into a hat".
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Footage of Mean Joe Green thowing young Jack his pants in exchange for a cold Tab not aired as promised.
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Witnessed both the tragic drowning of ocean bather and the coinciding refusal to help by callous
onlooker. Recounts story to babysitter Phillip Collins and promptly forgets all about it. -
Singlehandedly accomplished by Phoebe Cates
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- Lunchbox: Hong Kong Phooey
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1st recorded experimentation with auto-erotic manipulation to moderately successful results. *
- In fairness, Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" video was not yet in rotation.
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Unable to enjoy the "post-death of Goose portion" of Top Gun.
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"Lost Summer" of intense Fall Guy scrutiny in order to see Heather Thomas in bikini.
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In Commemoration of the new decade, Jack memorizes the complete lyrics to Digital Underground's "The Humpty Dance"
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1st recorded heartbreak due to Diane Harding. Occurrence left author with a life-long contempt for older college men who date high school girls and Duran Duran
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Mastered artistic technique that would later lead to my inclusion into the Urban Dictionary.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Drawing+Vikings -
Graduated from Private Academy with honors and holes in faded jeans. Also saved Latin.
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Started post-modern folk-feminist quartet "the Intercontinental Frotteurism All-Stars"
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Hollywood Road Trip Goes Poorly...
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Caught up in UF English Dept. sex-scandal that resulted in a life-long aversion to Instructor's Lounges, the goddess Venus, and the overrated drivel of T.S. Elliot.
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Life-altering decision to relieve bladder on opening night of "LA Confidential" during scene crucial to the narrative. Arrive back to seat in less distress, only to discover that Kevin Spacey is now dead- Anguished vow never to relieve oneself during a film again.*
* Record still unbroken, despite close call in drunken screening of "There Will Be Blood" -
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High score achieved in "Castle Wolfenstein". Nostalgia tempered by recent revelation of it's graphics referred to as "extraordinarily gay" by neighbor child.
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Infamous infection due to drastic tongue-ring incident at Trader Jack's Gentleman's Club. Thanks, Harley.
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From the sea-coast of Ilium in the early days, arrived to Boulder by destiny to the Lavinian western shore.
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Midway through journey of life, has intense dream in which author descends to the levels of hell. Only regret is that, sans Virgil, he is guided by Corey Feldman- Clearly the better of the two Coreys.
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Vomits on "Internet's Most Downloaded Woman" and CEO Danni Ashe at Conference of World Affairs after party. Drinking companion Roger Ebert offers no assistance.
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Produced low-budget art-house picture "Saved by the Smell". Vows never to work with Dustin Diamond again.
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Forlorn to discover that my Beatrice bears vodka, Marmite and Bellydancing. Long-term pining to ensue.
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Emerged refreshed from Lethe, leaving the folly of Pearl St. behind.
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Blues Traveler, Burbon, TJ and a 2 Dollar Bill.
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Creator of upcoming show Colorado X: Casefiles of the Paranormal. Likwise charged with "Bringing Sexy Back" to the CU English Dept
