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Michael Mallazzo is born
On a beautiful sunny morning at 7:56 AM, Michael Mallazzo was born in Winthrop Hospital in Mineola, NY. At the moment of his birth, a batallion of angels was seen circling the outside of the hospital and time briefly stopped. A choir and full symphonic band bursted into the delivery room and began singing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" -
Mike Learns to Walk
After a long and difficult struggle, Mike finally left behind the miserable world of crawling and took his very first steps. It is said that his first steps resembles that of an expert model walking down the runway -
Mike Declared Cutest Toddler
Just months after his second birthday, Mike is declared the cutest toddler in America by his family and friends. Upon winning the award, Mike gave a rousing two hour acceptance speech that has gone down in Mallazzo family history -
Mike Defends His Crown
Michael Mallazzo wins the crown of cutest toddler for the second year in a row and though many experts thought that it was not possible, everyone agrees that he is cuter the year before. The award comes with a lifetime supply of Legos and Lincoln Logs -
Mike Dresses as Crayon for Halloween
For the illustrious holiday of Halloween, Mike dons a red Crayola costume and proudly trick or treats around his neighboorhood. He smashes town records for most candy acquired in a single Halloween and goes on to eat all of it that evening without even getting the slightest stomach-ache -
Mike Eats His First Bigmac
A defining event in every American's life, Mike Mallazzo finally graduates from the happy meal and voraciously devours his first Big Mac at a local McDonald's. Although he is impressed, he proceeds to ask for the manager and gives him 100 suggestions on how to improve the secret sauce. -
Mike Meets Santa Claus
After prentending to be locked up in his bedroom fast asleep, Mike stays up all night and finds Santa Claus putting the presents under the tree. (Fortunately he is not kissing mommy underneath the mistletoe) He has a long and detailed conversation with the big man about the complicated state of politics in post-Soviet Eastern europe, quantum physics, and the secularization of Christmas. Santa is even nice enough to introduce Mike to all of the reindeer and give him a quick sleigh ride. -
Mike Ties Own Shoes
Just shy of his 7th birthday, Mike finally graduates from velcro sneakers and ties his own shoelaces without receiving any instruction on how to do so. He ties the knot so perfectly that it takes his mother 15 minutes to untie his sneaker when he gets home from school -
Mike stops Y2K
Mike ends America's massive panic over the potential implications of the Y2K virus by using a simple series of algorithms to successfully convert all financial information into the next century without incident. -
Mike Warns "Attack is Imminent."
Using intelligence gathered through his extensive study of the rise of Osama Bin Laden after the war between Russia and Afghanistan, Mike warns the U.S. Government that an attack on American soil will be coming any day. Unfortunately no one listens -
Mike Meets LL Cool J
Upon entering a local Dave & Busters, Mike sees a charismatic man with many ladies around him and plays several arcade games with him, including a fierce Whack a' Mole contest. He introduces himself as LL Cool J and the pair talk about the uncertain future of the music industry due ot the rise of Napster. -
Mike Gets Turkey Leg
For the first time in his young life, Mike wins the bloody fight for the turkey leg at Thanksgiving dinner. He proceeds to gloat and enjoy his turkey leg in front of his father and older cousins as their mouths water. -
Mike Gets Suspended
In one of the less hip moments of his life, Mike is suspended from Long Beach Middle School for writing and illustrating a series of comic books that contained some less than flattering content about some of the studetns and faculty, though were a huge hit and made the school day much more enjoyable for many pre-teens -
Mike Fights Mother Nature
Mike first attempts to bargain with Mother Nature to not unleash Hurricane Katrina on New Orleans. When diplomacy fails, he battles Mother Nature and though he fights gallantly, he is defeated and the rest is history -
Mike Does First Backflip
After scores of unsuccessful attempts, Mike successfully lands a backflip off the lifeguard mound on the beach. The entire beach gives him a standing ovation and throws roses at him -
Mike Discovers Meaning of Life
Mike very briefly discovers meaning of life. However, he does not write it down and soon forgets -
Mike Catches Big Fish
After a long day of surfcasting off the jettis on the beaches of Rockaway Beach, NY, Mike feels a tug and pulls in a monster 52 in striped bass. He gains the respect of all N.Y. area fishermen -
Mike Falls in Love
However, he quickly realizes his mistake and moves on with his life -
Mike Interrupts Kanye
Kanye West is at a local KFC attempting to order. Mike cuts in front of him and gives his order saying, "mashed potatoes are good, but macaroni and cheese is definitely the best thing on this menu -
Mike Meets Michele Weldon
She makes him a better journalist.. (This story has not come to its conclusion)
